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What About Barb? by Phil Callaway One of the finest perks of being an author is the chance to meet children who look up at you with wide eyes and say, “Will you sign your book Green Eggs and Ham?” When they ask me to sign one of my own books, it’s even perkier. Lately it has become increasingly problematic for me to inscribe their names correctly. One little girl asked me to do so and told me her name: Kertsibelle. Or at least that’s what I thought she said. She said, “It’s P-m-r-c-h-i-e-r-t-z-i-b-e-l-l-e.” She spelled it quickly too. I think she’d had practice. Now, I’m old enough to remember the days when there were approximately six options for names. Parents chose from a short list of single-syllable monikers that had been approved by the Federal Name Police, an organization founded because folksingers were experimenting with banned substances and naming their children Star, Jasmine, and Whoops. Picture yourself standing on the front steps at night yelling the name. How will “Please Cope,” or “Justin Case” (both real names) sound? In those days available names included Don, John, Tom, Bob, and Phil. If your child was a girl, a slight variation would suffice: Dawn, Jenn, Tammy, Bobbi, or Phyllis. Not anymore. Today parents are making up names in the delivery room. “Hi, my name is Dawn and this is my daughter HAAAAALP!” Each of the following is a registered name: Abishag Lettuce, Peaches Honeyblossom, and Frou-frou. In Britain, there are children named Reebok, Adidas, and Superman. There are six Gandalphs, 39 Gazzas, 36 Arsenals, and almost 2,000 boys named Tiger. U.S. federal census records indicate parents have recently bestowed the following names on their children: Fanny Pack, Nice Carr, Helen Troy, Candy Stohr, Mary Christmas, Ima Pigg, Ima Muskrat, and Ima Nut. And the names we thought Bart Simpson was making up for prank calls? The infamous Al Caholic and Anita Bath, they’re on the list too. In our town, there’s a dog named Viggo. I met him and his owner one night when I was out walking our dog Mojo. The dogs liked each other immediately and engaged in dog-type behaviour while Viggo’s owner and I talked. “I named the dog after the movie star Viggo Mortenson,” she told me. I wonder what Viggo would think of having a wiener dog as his namesake.Though the dogs won’t be suing us anytime soon, the children are. A growing list of lawsuits has been launched against parents citing something called “name abuse.” Recently a Swedish couple was fined $746 for naming their son Brfxxxcccxxm-nnpcccclllmmnprxxvvclmnckssqlbb11116. I wish I were making this up. Here are a few suggestions on naming children: 1. Avoid names that will draw curious crowds and media exposure, spawn websites, or cause ripples of laughter in classrooms and gymnasiums. 2. Avoid names your child will have to spell for everyone she meets. 3. Picture yourself standing on the front steps at night yelling the name. How will “Please Cope,” or “Justin Case” (both real names) sound? Will neighbours call the police on you? Proverbs 22:1 of the Bible tells us a good name is to be chosen over great riches, that “being held in high esteem is better than silver or gold.” Far more important than the names we give our children is the reputation they will carry with them through life. They will need to build that reputation themselves, of course, but we can help them get started down the right road. It won’t matter so much how many times we have to spell our name; it will matter very much what that name brings to mind. Phil Callaway is the author of ‘Family Squeeze: Hope and Hilarity of a Sandwiched Generation.’ Visit him at www.laughagain.org.
Cover Story by Rhonda Rhea My husband once told me that there are two kinds of people in this world: “coverers” and “users.” My grandmother was a coverer. There were hand towels on my grandfather’s TV chair, a blanket on the sofa — she even had special clear plastic seat covers made for her Chevy. Don’t get me wrong — Grandma’s house was always fun. But I can’t tell you how UN-fun it was to sit in her car in the summer. Actually, the sitting wasn’t so bad. It was the getting up that was painful. I remember thinking after I got out of the car that I needed to reach back in and peel the rest of my legs off the plastic. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone could do a skin graft with the parts of me I left on Grandma’s plastic seat covers. I spent every summer with my grandma when I was growing up. Still, I don’t think I ever saw her sofa. We go through a couch every other year or so, but we at least get to watch it disintegrate. One of my chores at her house was to straighten the blanket that covered the couch. When I was about 12-years-old, I finally asked, “Grandma, how come the sofa has to stay covered all the time?” She said, “So it will stay nice.” So I asked, “Well what good does it do to have a nice sofa that we’ve never seen?” She just chuckled. Maybe watching Grandma encouraged me to become a user. I’ve never had china so good that we couldn’t use it. The best towels are always out. Sadly, it doesn’t take long at all for those good towels to turn into mere strings. They look like fringe hanging from the towel bars, but they’re out. My furniture, too, is forever uncovered. We go through a couch every other year or so, but we at least get to watch it disintegrate. As a matter of fact, right before I had children I bought a light peach-coloured sofa. Somewhere around the third baby or so, the sofa was probably about 75 percent apple juice. And that’s only the good fluid it had absorbed. I shudder to think how many miscellaneous baby drippings were coagulating in there. If you’re a coverer, you’re probably asking why a good sofa had to die so young. OK, you’re right. It could’ve been saved if I had been more careful. Maybe there’s some place in the middle where users and coverers can meet and find a healthy harmony — a balance somewhere this side of skin-snatching plastic covers and the other side of furniture that could start plagues. When it comes to God’s Word, though, we should all be users. James 1:22 of the Bible says, “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.” No need to save the treasure of the Bible for a rainy day when we can use it every day. And it’s funny, because God’s Word is also our cover — in the nicest, non-plastic way. It covers us and protects us from foolishness and sin. So let’ s read it — from cover to cover! Rhonda Rhea is a radio personality and a conference speaker across North America. She is a wife, mother, and author of several fun and fruitful books. Look for her newest book, ‘The Purse-uit of Holiness’ in stores now. Find out more at www.RhondaRhea.org. 
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