by Kim Perrone

Kids grow out of shoes, clothes, thumb-sucking, and (hopefully) temper tantrums. That pattern, however, doesn’t necessarily carry over to sibling squabbling. According to research by Professor Laurie Kramer at the University of Illinois, more positive experiences in youth often lead to more positive interaction as adults. You can intentionally encourage positive sibling experiences in a number of ways.

TO EACH HIS OWN
The concept “mine — not yours!” is one trigger for sibling conflict. Not only does this apply to toys, but, on a subconscious level, it can apply to identity. In other words, kids don’t appreciate reprimands such as “Your sister doesn’t do that!” Most experts agree: never compare your children to each other.

To demonstrate you recognize each child for his unique identity, banish “Even-Steven” policies in favour of giving a child what he needs. For example, take each child on special excursions. Mary might open up for chatting at an ice cream parlour, while Jim thrives on biking with you in the park. Jim doesn’t have to get ice cream, too. You don’t need to hear Mary whining about tired legs while biking in the park.

When children see they are individually valued, there are less fights over “he has … she got.”

DO UNTO ONE ANOTHER
Kramer says, “… it’s important for parents to encourage siblings to be engaged with one another and develop a relationship where there is mutual respect, cooperation, and the ability to manage problems.” Her research demonstrates that the amount of years between your children and whether they are boys or girls matters little. Getting along depends on the social behaviours kids are exposed to.

So ask kids to read to each other, help with homework, and work on skills together. Your hockey star can give his younger brother pointers. An older son can help his sister rehearse lines for her school play. Remind kids to put themselves in their sibling’s shoes. Did your son lose his favourite action figure? Encourage his sibling to sympathize.

In these ways, you can forge a reliable bond.

CREATIVE MINDS
Put kids on the same team. Challenge them to build structures out of blocks, sticks, or clay. Can they build the silliest snowman ever seen? Encourage creative collaboration. Draw the outline of a huge house on a large sheet of paper. Include lots of windows in which kids can draw their own scenes. Have them frost a cake or make an alphabet book. Can they design a city made out of milk cartons and cereal boxes?

Older children can band together to scrapbook family albums, design garden patches, work with wood, build a fort, create a performance for the rest of the family, or use the computer to edit videos. The Search Institute’s parenting website, MV Parents (mvparents.com) reminds us not to take sibling cooperation for granted. “Let your children know you appreciate it when they cooperate or treat each other (and you!) kindly. For example, say, ‘I like to see you helping your sister that way.’ ”

SIBLING DAY
American resident Claudia Evart, who lost her sister early in life, has been petitioning the U.S. government to turn April 10th into National Siblings Day. Why not start your own “Sibling Day” and make it a tradition every year? As a family, decide on what will be a part of your day. What food will you eat? Do brother and sister give a particular gift to one another?

What activities will be important at your sibling celebration? A favourite game? Going to the movies? Perhaps you will end the day with a special prayer thanking God for each other. Journalist Heywood Broun once said, “Brotherhood is not just a Bible word. Out of comradeship can come and will come the happy life for all.”

Consciously search for positive opportunities for siblings to enjoy each other and you just may get less “Mom … he’s looking at me!”

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